What Was I Thinking?
When the joy of learning you were coming simultaneously filled me with so much fear and worry.
When a few weeks after hearing the news, I wondered if this sick feeling would ever go away.
When my stomach grew big and my back ached and everything hurt to move.
When the worries kept me up at night about how you would arrive and if you were okay and how was my body going to do this.
When we brought you home and I watched you breathe for hours, scared to shut my own eyes and rest.
When my body was broken, and my mind felt lost, and tears filled my days more often than not.
When you woke up crying and I couldn’t figure out why, questioning if I was getting any of this right.
But when I picked you up your cries started slowing. Your little body nestled closer to mine. Your tiny hand wrapped around my finger and for a brief moment our eyes locked and time came to a halt. A moment of quiet clarity, a crystal clear truth spoken without needing a word.
I am your peace, your safe place, your home. The countless moments of stress and worry and questioning it all- if only for that fleeting moment turned to dust.
What was I thinking? I was made for this, I was made for you.